It is a wonder the human race hasn't died out...

It is a good thing people don't go to birthing classes BEFORE they get pregnant, because otherwise, our species would cease to exist.

So, last weekend, Corbyn and I went to a birthing class. First of all, it was LONG. I think I spent more time learning about birth than a lot of women actually spend giving birth. Yeah - 4 hours Friday night and 8 hours Saturday. LONG!

A couple of key take-aways from the class:

• Corbyn is not great at role-playing. They were trying to get us to practice breathing techniques and pretend like we are having contractions, and trying to get the husbands to play the role of the supportive coach. We watched a video where the husband kept saying things like, "You are being so strong", "You are doing so well", "You are so amazing", etc. Yeah, right. Can you really see Corbyn saying stuff like that? His coaching was more along the lines of, "It doesn't hurt, does it?" Anyway, he kept making me laugh... hopefully, that works when I am actually in labor.
• Birthing class sucks even worse for soon-to-be-fathers than soon-to-be-mothers. This is hard to call, really, whose side the scale of unpleasantness tips towards. At least the man doesn't have to know that the horrible things happening in the video will soon be happening to him. But, in my experience, men are uncomfortable with anything "down there". So, having to watch babies come out of several "down there"'s on TV has got to be ultra-unpleasant. Not to mention watching large women demonstrate the proper form when breast feeding. And although I still think, given just those things, the balance tips in favor of it being worse for women, once you start practicing comfort techniques for birth, I think the scale tips back in favor of the men. Because that is nothing but awesome for the woman. Their husbands have to practice giving massages until the teacher tells them to stop. (Made the birthing class almost worth it.) Of course, Corbyn spent almost as much time trying to push me over on the birthing ball as he did massaging, but still...
  
• I don't have to go to the bathroom nearly as much as other women. I always thought I had a small bladder, but in a class that long, you learn how small a pregnant woman's bladder really is. I am very happy to report that I went less than all the women... even less than some of the men. (Although, they may have been using it as an escape more than anything. I, on the other hand, was terrified to leave in case I missed the one key secret to a minimal pain labor.)
• Someone needs to invent a third option. No, really. The current options suck. Option A: Push a watermelon through the eye of a needle, (Sorry Mom, I know that is kind of gross, but did I mention I am terrified?) Option B: Get sliced in half, have your muscles pulled apart and a baby pulled out, (Does this remind anyone else of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when he cuts the guys heart out while the poor guy watches himself being ripped apart?)... where is Option C?!?!!!?? That is the one I want - Option C. One that doesn't involve being stitched back up anywhere.
• La Leche League is trying to pull a fast one on the entire female gender. Don't get me wrong. I believe in the benefits of breast feeding and totally plan to give it a whirl, but from what I have heard, it can be more painful than the labor itself, because it doesn't last only 24 hrs and end with a miracle... it just keeps hurting and the miracle is what is causing the pain. But, watching the videos, La Leche describes it as "minor discomfort". "If it hurts, you are doing it wrong... but don't stop! Just keep trying. You will figure it out." I have this suspicion that it really does just always hurt, but they figure if they keep telling you that you must be doing it wrong and to keep trying, by the time you throw in the towel, you will have been trying for at least several months, so they have won. And the mother-model for the video? Smiling serenely as if it is the most pleasant experience of her life. I mean, why can't they just be honest? Why can't they just say, "It will hurt like a mother, but it is something you should do for the good of your child."
• Lastly - Corbyn's #1 take-away from the birthing class: Women look fine going in and coming out of labor, but there is NOTHING beautiful about the miracle of birth.